Hey Latest FairyTale?

You confuse me...

Hope I didn't get too drunk and out of hand tonight...

I think and I have a habit of saying what I think before thinking about what I am saying...

I like having you in my bed this weekend.

I didn't even mind taking care of your drunk ass all day Saturday.

blahs...

Maybe tomorrow.

Fairytales and nightmares.

Every fairy tale turns into a nightmare.
I hate this right now. Though I am not thinking of you, I am thinking of you. Thinking to much causes me nausea, so for now, FUCK it. and you too.

Hope you're having fun hundreds of miles away with that smug little bitch.

I hope you choke on a chocolate.

I get it now...

I get it now...You weren't in my life to be my one and only. You came into my life to show me that though I've been through the proverbial trenches, I can always find my way out. I love you for that. I know that right now (and everytime you leave) you're not happy about it...You do it to prove to me that though you're the only person I have...The only person that is sad when I'm sad. The only person that hurts when I hurt...I can make it without you. You're out to prove to me that though I miss you and though I love you and at times I feel that you destroy me, you don't. You're there to make me stronger than I have ever been.You know me better than my friends...Better than my grandparents...Better than anyone I have ever come across...And you know that I need someone like you to prove to me that I don't need anyone.It all makes sense now. The promises that once we both get our shit together that things will be different. The argument about me feeling abandoned and how it is different thatn when other people leave me...I get it. You don't hate me. You love me...You love me more than anyone else ever could. And as much as it hurts me and as many times as I have sat alone in your...In MY apartment and said that I couldn't make it without you, I can. That's what you want proof of...You want to know that I can be okay without your continual support.It is different. You don't leave because you want to, you leave because you know that you have to leave. You have to show me that I am okay without you or anyone else.You told me I needed a dog...Someone to keep me company when you left. You told me that one day everything would be different. You told me that people have to fix themselves before they can focus on anything else...You offered to come to my graduation. You told me that you were afraid for me because you're afraid that I will fail...Right now, as I sit here, with tears in my eyes, I love you more than I ever have. You're a complicated creature, but I am dark enough to see your light...Thank you...I will see you again...As soon as I straighten out this mess I have made, I will see you again...Just know that no matter what happens and no matter what is said about you, you're my life raft.I love you, rat.

Wonder if it's worth it...

I want him OUT of my life...For good. Forever.
Sure, his company is good when I drink. Sure, I appreciate the expensive shoes and the brilliant ideas and the sparkle of hope that crosses his eyes when he comes up with the notions that he thinks describe me.
But I want him gone.
Number one, I am pissed off that he "borrowed" money from me without asking.
Number two, he's irritating when I am sober. I'd rather be alone than tolerate his presence in my home.
Number three, well, as long as I know number three no one else really needs to know...
I hate him. I hate everything that he stands for. I don't want to date a man that dropped out of college and works at the fucking mall.
He's a distraction. I am afraid to fail. I'm afraid to fail so I set myself up for failure so I have something to blame it on when things go wrong. I don't want to succeed. It's to the point now that I question why I would ever want to succeed. It doesn't matter to anyone, but me, and at this point, it doesn't even matter to me.
I have all these high ambitions and hopes and plans that I don't ever see happening...See? I'm a creature of habit and drinking and bad behavior are my habit.
I'm going to bed now.

Numb

SO I'm numb, literally.
The cocaine feels like it has seeped through every inch of my body.
I wonder how people do this everyday all day, but then I realize that I do it, everyday, sober.
I walk through life, numb, not feeling anything in particular, just there.
I have no control over the things that happen to me or the things that don't happen to me.
I don't have control over my mind. It's there. It thinks or doesn't. The feelings just don't come normally anymore.
My emotions come like a junkies sobriety. They're fleeting, but painful, sending me into convulsions of fear and terror. The real world is too bright, too real, too unyielding and my heart can't take it. It's possible, right? To retreat into a numb, unfeeling state of existence? To feel everything and feel nothing at the same time?

I don't know why I started this blog...Just that I am mad about something else. It's so random. Maybe because in a room full of friends, I feel alone and empty. Maybe it's because I'm tired of advice, I'm tired of having the few feelings I share be downplayed. Maybe it's because though everyone around me in my day to day life thinks that I am this strong, resilient woman with no worries and an easy life...

I'm not.

I surround myself with men for which I have no use. The Uggs are nice...A thoughtful gift on his part, but he doesn't get me...He sees a puzzle, someone to figure out and tame. I see him for all his is worth. Nice only gets you so far in a world of wolves. And his lies kill me...I know he didn't get that coke for someone else. A person doesn't lose weight that quickly without some aid. I don't want to date a college drop-out with a promising career at a mall shoe store. I can't stand the thought of his snow white skin touching mine. I can't stand his voice.

I surround myself with "friends" that I really don't care for. Something isn't right with almost all of them. My married friends don't have time for the single girl. My unmarried friends only have time to party. Marcus is the only one that has ever cared about my success and even he has turned his back on me...Again and again.

The memories of the lies that crossed his beautiful lips sting in moments of fading emotion. I don't think about them for the most part. But sometimes I do...Sometimes I sit at a stop light and the tears slide down my face. My throat closes and my chest pounds. I'm losing it. I'm slipping again, backsliding. If he knew that I was drinking before class, he would tell me I was fucking up. He tone would drip with disappointment. If he knew I had done blow, even once...Well, I can't think of the harsh words that would come from his mouth.

I'm okay without him. I swear that I am. I miss him in bits. Someone will say something stupid like, "wausau" or "this shit right here?" and I'll miss him. And I'll think of his rough hands on my face.

I'm done...I have nothing else to say. The thoughts have stopped...I'm tired of being numb.