"It's time to grow up, kiddo. The world is not your oyster and it don't owe you a damn thing. The only person in this world you're special to is your mama and, well kiddo, she needs to grown up, too."

It's the same senseless rationalization every night. "I'll go to bed by 1...2...3..." "I'm not touching that tequila...Tequila isn't that bad." We try to convince ourselves that the problem is not a problem and that we are tired of doing this one thing, but continue doing it because fuck what everyone else says. Inside, we're terrified. "What if I can't write? What if I am boring? What if I white-knuckle it the entire way through? What if I am still socially awkward and people still hate me?" We go back and forth. We're happy for this forced sobriety because we know we cannot do it alone, but we're angry, mostly at ourselves, but at others, too. We're party seekers who never want the party to end. We're people who were drug out in our pajamas by our party seeking friends and just want to go home. The duality of the conscious alcoholic rips at our seams. We want to be like everyone else so much that we convince ourselves that everyone else is boring and normal.

j

Here's the thing: People that I let into my life expect blind trust. They expect that their kindness and support will instantly equal me tearing down the walls that I have spent so long building. "One day, you'll trust me." They truly believe that, but they are ignorant. THey don't know every single tear I've shed over the betrayal of not just friends, but blood relatives. They don't know that every single twisting , darkened line on my body is the product of a lie or a manipulation. I will not trust you. I have no reason to trust you. Snakes present themselves in many ways. The most seemingly harmless almost always are the most dangerous.

Attire

His most favorite outfit and occasion combination are overalls and car purchases. He walks in with a chew in his mouth. We'll wander the lot, perusing the rows of gleaming imports. The salesmen ignore us, mostly. We'll find what we want and he'll summon a salesman. The salesmen always look at us like we must think this is a buy here/pay here lot...Then he speaks. They definitely take notice then. He wears overalls to wherever the hell he wants. Why? Because he's an effing boss.

"I begged you to stop. I left you and you cried and I would take you back. You had changed until you didn't. Then you would cry and I would take you back. What do you think? Do you really think that people are just going to keep giving you second, fifth, and seventh chances?" "No. I really have changed. I am different this time. Something inside of me has realized I don't want to be a dumb drunk anymore...Wait. Are you telling me that we're not together because of who I was? Are you saying that my alcoholism is the reason we didn't work out?" "Why are you worried about that dumb shit for?! You're possibly going to prison. You're..." "Shut up. SHUT UP. I am not worried about that. You're married...we. are. done. There is no us. What I want to know is after all this time...after you told me it wasn't my fault...after you telling me that you were the one that couldn't have someone as 'perfect' as me...you're telling me now that I wasn't? I wasn't perfect? It was me all along?" sigh "I'm not saying that. I'm saying..." "Was it ME? The whole time? Was it me?" "You're addiction wasn't the only problem. It was a factor, but it wasn't the major factor." "Don't you think you should have told me this before now?" "I shouldn't have had to beg you to change. You should have seen it on your own..."

I was supposed to be perfect. I was supposed to be the one that you left, with child. You were supposed to be your father in my story. I'm sorry.

Someone asked me today how I felt about you...I lied. I still play the blame game in my head. I still hope that when this is all over for you, that you are thinking of only me. It's not just you, though. I want him back, too. I hate both of you on different levels. You hit me. You cheated. He cheated. He hit me. I don't want to be alone forever, but maybe that's the part of the game that I lose. You get out and you have her. He's out with me and he has his wife. Maybe I just lose in general. I like someone else. I like him as much as I liked you when we first met. I can't say anything about it. I can't tell him. I can't tell anyone else. I'll never have anything I want.

You're at rock bottom, friend. You've sunk to the lowest of your life. I'm trying to help you. I'm extending the hand that could save you from drowning, but that just doesn't matter to you. As I said in the hotel, it's not like we weren't friends before we fucked it all up.

Piece of a whole

:Posting this to get it out of my way. Needs definite work. Leaving it for now.

These apartments are no different. Driving by the winding road that lays to the west of Garnett, the buildings and the lives within the sprawling complex will go unnoticed. The buildings themselves are indistinguishable from the hundreds of other complexes across the Tulsa area. The cracked siding is slathered with a weary shade of khaki. Withered stalks of ornamental grass turn their tips down onto the patchy lawn beneath them. A gang of feral cats runs the neighborhood, waging war on dogs and avoiding humans with the deftness of bank robbers. Cars speed through the pitted lot at speeds unsafe for even a busy highway. At any time of day, you can hear the pounding of a bass chorus, sometimes in the distance, sometimes rattling the panes of your own windows. Outwardly, the tenants of these semi-slums are as unremarkable as the tree-freckled terrace that borders the road. But outward similarities are broken under the surface. Behind the paint-chipped doors of every home hides a story of struggle or triumph, of heartbreak and love. The stories as different as North and South lurk in the boxy rooms. Stories that cannot be heard with selfish ears, stories that will not pass prideful lips.

wonderwall

After everything you've done to me, I still love you. There's this empty spot in my heart where you used to be. I can't sleep and I can't think.

Mostly, I'd like to know why? Why would you do this to me knowing that I loved you? How could you lie to my face and play my friends, too? Every word you ever spoke was complete bullshit. I believe that you loved me, but your actions betray you words.

It makes me sick to think about all the time I spent with you. I want to cry, but my tears don't come anymore. To think that you, my friend, my lover, hurt me more than Marcus ever did, kills me. Not only did I lose a friend, I lost someone I thought could be the one. And for what? I'm better than she will ever be and you know that. You know that I would be the one to get you back on the right track. I could have been the one to save you, but you couldn't just let me. I never wanted you to leave your children. I wanted to be a part of their lives, too. I wanted it to be you and I against this crazy world. I never thought for a second that it would end like this. Every thing you said, every I love you, every I need you in my life...they crush me. Each time I think of your voice and think of you touching my face and holding me when I cried, I die a little more inside.

How could you do this to me? I begged you to just tell me you wanted me out of your life. You pushed back, saying that you couldn't do that because it would be a lie. Now, I'm gone. I'm out of your life, but I am out of my own life, too. Nothing is the same without you. I'm trying to make this feeling go away. I don't even know what this feeling is. It's like being completely numb, but in horrible pain at the same time.

It's hurting me to know that you're over there right now...with her. You told me it was me that you wanted, but then you do this? You couldn't be a man and just tell me you wanted me out of your life. You had to drag me into the muck and ghetto situation with you. It seems you're only happy when someone else hurts. I hate that. You used to be such a positive person. There was always a smile on your face. You were always joking and jumping around. That wasn't the same person I saw last night.

Last night, I saw a confused and frightened little boy. You don't know what you want anymore. You can't even form a sentence without including a lie.

One part of me hopes you get prison time. The other part of me hopes that you stay free for your kids. Either way, you need a wake up call. Do you think your children deserve a father like this? Are you going to raise your daughter to date someone like you? A liar and a manipulator? If Isaiah is ever cured, do you want him to grow up and be a womanizing liar like his father and grandfather? Is that what you want?

I've done some really stupid shit this last week. Aside from blowing over $500 on booze and gambling, I've been doing some things I am not proud of. I've become a raving lunatic.

I've always been a little loud and off-kilter, but this breakup has brought out the absolute worst in me.

I am trying to forgive myself. I am trying to change who I am. I want to be someone else. I want to be someone who doesn't have to ask f6r help, but will if they need to. I want to be someone that my friends are proud of. More so, I want to be someone my grandparents don't worry about 24/7.

This has been a long time coming, but I have to make a change sometime.

Sleepless

I know there are some that still read this blog and I am okay with that, but let me apologize in advance for what you're going to be seeing on here over the next year or so.

I read somewhere journaling helps with the healing process after a breakup. It suggested that instead of simply writing about random things, you delve into the reasons for your breakup. Instead of placing blame, the article implores its readers to explore the reasons for the breakup and find the lessons that they've learned.

But what if the reasons for the breakup are too complicated to analyze? What if even you don't understand the reason for the breakup?

I know that I broke up with him because I was tired of being alone. In my mind, a relationship consists of two people that want to spend as much time as possible with each other. We had that for about 9 months. When we started dating, we were inseparable. Our six and a half year friendship morphed into something easy and almost beautiful. We wanted to be around each other. We went out. We went to dinner. We spent time with my friends (but never his...RED FLAG IGNORED.) We even danced to Sinatra in seedy bars. We text and called each other when we were apart. My friends adored him. Everything was as perfect as possible...or at least as perfect as I'd ever had. Sure, occasionally, we argued about trivial shit. Sometimes we both had too much to drink and spouted off about something we shouldn't have, but in general, everything was amazing.

In August, I get a phone call. He's begging me not to be bad. He's telling me he understands if I hate him. And I did. When I found out that the mother of his first child was going to give birth to his second child the next day, I was furious. How is one expected to handle something like that? We fought for a few days. Some of my dearest friends sat me down and convinced me that he loved me. After begging them to talk some sense into me, I came around. I mean, she got pregnant before we were together. And if he really hated her as much as he said, maybe he did avoid her when he went to pick up his son. Maybe he really ignored her as much as possible, so maybe he really had no idea she was pregnant. I ultimately took him back.

We were great again. We were us again. Back to the mushy, overly adorable couple that made people a little ill. You know? The ones you want to scream "GET A FUCKING ROOM ALREADY!" at from across the room? It was pure bliss for me. Before him, I'd never been part of that couple and never experienced that type of "love."

So what happened? Well, when you're months into the relationship and you've still not met his friends, those red flags go up. You start getting suspicious when you start spending less and less time together. When that honeymoon phase is over, you begin to see the real sides of people. He started accusing me of sleeping with other guys. If I talked to someone else at the bar longer than he liked, he said I was oblivious and that I couldn't see I was being hit on. He began questioning if I really loved him or if I was using him for sex. We stopped sleeping together as frequently. This led to me questioning his questions. Why was I all of a sudden being accused of everything under the sun? What was he doing behind my back? Was this displaced guilt? He promised that nothing was going on with his baby's mother and that he would never blindside me. He assured me that I was stuck with him.

Then he got a DUI and things crumbled so much that I wanted to end it. I wanted to move on and salvage what was left of our friendship. But he insisted that I was being irrational and stated again that I was stuck with him because he loved me.

Holidays are a big deal for me. I'm the sentimental type. I begin every holiday at my grandparents and make my rounds to several friends' homes. At the end of the night, I like to be with my significant other, curled up together with some wine and conversation. He knew this. We had discussed this. So when Thanksgiving rolled around and he stopped answering his phone, I was rightfully concerned. When I found out later that evening that he had spent the day AT his babies' mother's house with his friends, I was livid. I know people that are separated from their children's parents. That is not normal behavior.

Things never righted themselves after that. He started accusing me more fervently. I was expected to go straight home after class and work while he spent time elsewhere. I couldn't take it. I finally broke up with him. I still loved him, but enough was enough. I think it was more to prove a point than it was to end the relationship forever...

After that, I started realizing certain things. All the red flags I had ignored out of blind trust and love, started slapping me in the face. I found out that he had been with the mother of his children for years and that they were together while I was with him. Tonight, I was confronted by this woman. The one he expressed so much hatred towards. The one he claimed was so abhorrent that only he would sleep with her. The tangled mess of my heart took this final blow tonight...I listened as he told her I was a "liar" and that he had never cheated on her. After years of friendship, nearly a year of being a couple, and 8 months of being lovers, I was a liar. He tossed everything we had like an empty bottle of Jager. To him, I was dispensable. To him, I wasn't as important as this other woman.

I can only explain this feeling as emptiness. I don't hate him. I hate myself. I hate that I believed the lies. I hate that towards the end, he tore me down. All the self-confidence I had built from my relationship with Marcus is ruined. All of the trust issues that I had worked out when Marcus left are back.

This isn't one that can be worked out. I don't know that I've learned a lesson from this. My last relationship took me almost 3 years to get over. I worked so hard on myself and my issues only to have my fears realized. I wonder if there's something wrong with me or if Marcus and Terrence are just horrible men incapable of overcoming their own insecurities.

Terrence, my friends, and I all know the real story. They know about all the memories we made. I know that I'll never be able to listen to "Fly Me to the Moon" again without a tear in my eye. I can only hope that somewhere in his cold, blackened heart, he feels something. I don't care if it's guilt, remorse, or just remembrance, I want him to feel something.

But that's not on me. Blame too many episodes of My Name is Earl, but this time, I will not retaliate. I won't chase after him like I did Marcus. I won't allow myself to be pulled back into his lies, like I did with Marcus. I'm not even going to do anything to prove my point. I'm just going to walk away and focus on myself again. Maybe one day, I'll get the satisfaction of knowing he feels something...The satisfaction that provides some closure...But that's not for now. Now is time for me.

I hate to do this, but I need to write. I NEED to. It's not some desperate cry for attention, it's that I visit my blog occasionally and read my old posts. I used to write. It wasn't good. It wasn't even decent, but it was me.
Why did I stop writing? I lost my muse. I gained a habit. I miss my muse...So much that I try to bring him back, but I realize that the chapter of my life where he was the star is over. He's just a bit player now.

The new one that I thought that would be my new muse is nothing but a creativity murderer. He doesn't make me think. He makes me angry. He makes me vengeful. He makes me all the things Marcus didn't. I don't know that I like it, but it's whatever at this point.

So I am doing this...Marvin's Room - Drake vs. Marvin's Room - JoJo.

Drake pours his heart into this song. It's needy. It's pathetic. It's everything that the critics don't get. He's reaching. Many claim it's "a drunk dial set to music," but what is a drunk dial? It's plea for love and affection. When you're drunk, you think you're some great speaker and you feel you've got it all figured out...

"After a while girl they all seem the same
I’ve had sex four times this week, I’ll explain
Having a hard time adjusting to fame"

This is not what it seems. Yeah, dude partied. He got drunk. He's not happy with his fame. He's telling her that "she could do better." He remembers all of this... When you're with someone like that? You want someone like that. You need to tell them about how you can't deal with this and that...


Fuck this. I wrote. I feel better. I suck at reviews, but I know that everyone that has reviewed this song missed out on all the underlying insecurities of the artist. This is, for real, my favorite new rapper...Aside from Dr. Lector and Childish Gambino, of course.

"

We've been fighting for so long, I don't know what we're fighting about.
I have no idea what we're holding on to.

I miss him. The him I am fighting with and the him I fight myself to forget.

I want him on me. I want him inside of me. I want him near me.

I don't want that to fuck THIS up.

What is this though? Is it a spring fling? Could it be a temporary distraction from his normal routine?

I almost called it quits earlier. And for what? a missed text? Wow. Yeah. I'm ridiculous, but I'm saying now, if that video wasn't posted for me? I'm one exceptionally jealous woman.

Twitterpated

I feel like something is going to go horribly wrong very soon.

I've been happier this week than I've been in years. I'm not accustomed to this. I'm just waiting for the bottom to fall out.

I know I'm not IN LOVE, but how do you go from being friends to this without fucking something up? Is it possible? And if we fuck it up, can we go back to being friends or is it over forever?

Am I the only one that finds it impossible to be happy being happy?

I don't know what to do right now, so I am going with it. I'm hiding nothing. I have trust issues. He knows this. He has trust issues, I know this. I just hope that he's being honest. I'm honestly pushing the bounds of my security.






If someone makes me forget Marcus, they're worth the risk. That's where I am now.

There's a person inside of me that loves you more than me. And the hurt and the pain that you put me through? She takes it as learning experience. She thinks that my life is not my own. That little person is never around when I do bad things. She doesn't deal with you every day like I do. She doesn't feel the condescending tone in your voice when I fuck up. She doesn't know the hurt I deal with when I hear someone else's name. We occupy the same body, but she's not me.

Is there someone that is not you? Does a little person in you feel guilty when I'm sad? Does that person cry when I'm happy? Does that person mourn the loss of what we had? Does he wonder where my innocence went?Does he love me more than you?

DAMNIT. I'm doomed! DOOOOOOOMMMMEEEEDDDDD!!! I'm never going to get into grad school! My friends are ten times more intelligent than myself. :( FUCK!

A friends of mine just received a rejection letter from OSU Grad College. :/ There is no hope for me. He writing sample is amazing. Mine is just a bunch of pathetic little short stories.. Bah. Today is stupid.

No Bar Challenge Day 2 - This post has nothing to do with said Challenge..

He mentioned being broke today, so I made the mistake of asking if "that girl" had a job. He said she didn't but that come this weekend she was taking the LSAT. He hinted that if she were to fail, he was making her get a job. I didn't say much. What can I say to that? I worked when we were together, but he didn't make as much back then. I really had no argument.

I don't like talking about her, but I brought it up, so I gave him his five minutes. (I say five minutes because that's the most amount of time in a week I can hear about her without breaking down into a slobbering pile of tears and snot.)

About two minutes into said five minutes, he laughs and says, "She asked me if I was moving if she got into law school out of state." I wait. My heart jumped a little. Not because I was afraid he would move with her, but because my heart is a conniving little muscle always thinking about how something horrible for Marcus can turn into something amazing for me...

"So??? You said yes, right?" Of course he didn't fucking say yes. Louisiana is his home.

"BAHAHA FUCKS NO! I told her that, too." He's cracking up as if he's just heard the best joke ever written.

"Oh. That's AWESOME. I hope she gets into TU or..." And this is the point where my big, fat mouth overrides my little, tiny brain. "...or somewhere in MONTANA. Well, not Montana, because you might actually move there, but I hope she does! Then you won't be able to stand not having sex and you'll cheat on her and it will be OVER!" Shit. I said THAT? Yeah. I said that.

He sits there for a second, so I continue. "That was mean, wasn't it? I shouldn't have said that."

"I.." He's chuckling now. "..can't believe you think I am that much of a whore." His feelings. I forgot that he has those. At this point, my idiot mouth is still running. "It's not that. It's just that you love sex just as much as I do and you wouldn't last six months without it. You don't understand. Law school is crazy. Law students can't just pick up and go home when they want. They're lucky if they get home once a year. Long distance relationships are not an OPTION in law school."

WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID IN THE BEGINNING: "Oh, I can't believe you wouldn't move with her. You've been together so long now that NOT moving would surely be a mistake."

Then the subject changes to ME and MY plans after my undergrad...after he mentions that he missed talking to me this week and he left two voicemails to prove it.

*********

I don't know. I'm mainly rambling at this point, but I can't sleep and this conversation is playing it's way out in my head. Any support I ever had for his current relationship went straight out the window the day she called me names over the phone. She's petty and childish. She's divorced at 22. She's everything he said he never wanted. Any mention of my name brings ever curse word she's ever heard to her lips. It causes fights. I can be a good person. I can hear of her, not her name, of course, because he knows better than to mention that, without calling her a string of bitches.

I don't know what I am going to do. I'm tired, but I cannot sleep. My mind is working overtime and every time I close my eyes I think of what happens after undergrad. That's still nearly a year away. Why am I worried now? What will I do if I DON'T get accepted to LSU or anywhere else for that matter?

I need sleep, but it won't come. I'm done complaining for tonight. Hopefully, I'll pass this French test tomorrow...even on 2.5 hours sleep.