You know, I am perfectly fine until I have to hear your voice. I can handle talking to you for a few minutes about things related to the apartment only. What I can't handle is thinking about anything related to our relationship. I really want to scream and cry and tell you to get the fuck out of my life forever, but I need that lease. I really mean it this time...That lease, that roof over my head, is the only reason I continue to deal with the bullshit. When I thought I was going to be able to move, I was perfectly fine. When I thought that I wasn't going to have to deal with you again, it didn't hurt me. I only miss you when you're in my face.

SO what the hell am I supposed to do at this point? Am I supposed to just let you sign the lease and then act like you don't exist? That's probably the right thing, but what I really want is you completely out of my life. I don't want to be forced to rely on you for anything...No matter how small.

Yeah, you were joking about the strippers, but in that instant, I almost lost it. I almost threw every ounce of self-control and strength out the window. I hung up on you because I didn't want to hear it. I almost burst into tears...Like I am so close to doing right now.

It fucking blows (and that is a gross understatement) to love someone so much that you almost break under the weight. I can't be your friend. I am not capable of listening to you brag about your meaningless sexcapades, self-destructive drug habits, or complete lack of ambition and motivation. I worry about your safety and sanity as much as I worry about my own.

Yeah, I fucking care about you. So? It's not like you can't say the same for me. You're not complete evil. If you didn't care, I know that you would treat me in the same way you treat Ambre. I am unsure whether this whole mess is a product of my stupidity or the bastard child of your undesirable qualities.

I cannot say that I do not love you because that would be saying that you never meant anything to me.

It's different. As time passes, I find myself unafraid of my life without you. Instead, the thought of my future with you terrifies me. I don't want to do this for the rest of my life with you. When you leave, I am okay. It's when you come back that I fear for my sanity and security. Every aspect of my life suffers when you are around.

It's because when you are around, you're never really there. It's a mirage...An illusion...My false hopes lead me down paths that I am no longer willing to travel.I am not doing this...I keep telling myself that, but everytime I pull myself back into it.

I love you. I always will.

But I love myself more and the sooner I realize that and put my needs before yours, the better off I will be.