I was reading the confessional and I came across this:

"I read her blog for exactly the same reason I rubberneck gory accidents."

I thought for a minute...Could this possibly be directed to me? I thought some more and realized that it was within the bounds of reality. My life is a trainwreck. I know this, Marcus knows this, so I'm sure my readers know this (All two of you..)

I am venting again. Not really anything different. Like when I say, "I'm mad!" and my platonic life partner answers, "What else is new?" I would love to pretend that I have everything under control, but I'm not good at lying to myself...I never believe me.

This is more or less my journal. I don't know that it can be called a blog with so few entries and so few readers. I'm happy for the readers that I do have though. It connects me in a weird way that I can't connect with people off line.

Conversational switch:

I spent $110 on booze last night. I've spent over $600 on booze in the past three weeks. I'm feeling a little depressed. I used to have fun drinking. I used to love being at the bar and talking to people. But lately, it has lost its shine. I don't enjoy taking shots. I don't enjoy handing $8 to a stranger for evil in a glass. I hate the hangovers. It seems they only get worse. Instead of waking up with a mild headache, I wake up with motion sickness and vomiting. This could possibly due to the recent increase in my drinking habits. There was a point in time when I could buy two or three drinks, be tipsy, and go home. Not the case these days. It takes $60 or more to reach that point and even then, I fight sleep and continue drinking.

I feel better today. This rant started yesterday, but I definitely feel a little better today. My talk with Marcus did more for me than anything. I know that this is my battle to wage, but just knowing that someone else cares enough to be disappointed makes it a little easier to fight.

Love is something I cannot understand. I know that he loves me, I would be a fool to believe otherwise, but there is always something missing...

Done for today. Going back to bed.