Old School Emo

The truth is hard. The truth is awkward and very often the truth hurts. I mean, people think they want the truth. But do they really? The truth is painful. Deep down, nobody wants to hear it, especially when it hits close to home. Sometimes we tell the truth because the truth is all we have to give. Sometimes we tell the truth because we need to say it out loud to hear it for ourselves. And sometimes we tell the truth because we just can't help ourselves. Sometimes, we tell them because we owe them at least that much.
The truth that I craved so much was not the truth that I wanted.
I gave and gave to this man. I gave him my trust...One of the hardest things for me to give anyone. I loved him. I treated him with the utmost respect.
He took everything from me that I had to give. He pushed me to my breaking point. This betrayal threatens my sanity and endangers everything I have worked so hard to achieve.
But what does one do when faced with such a hard decision?
But will it even, in the end, be my decision? Is he going to be good to her? Or is he going to be good to me?
How can things go from one extreme to the next in a matter of days?
Last weekend, this man stared into my eyes as he stroked my cheek and told me that all he wanted was my trust. All he needed was my trust. I was truly beautiful. And at that moment, our bodies intertwined, he needed me. He needed my trust. Needed my love. Needed my promise that I would never leave and never stray. I gave him that promise. I gave him my trust.
But we always know when something is amiss, don't we?
As I called and called all morning, I knew. I knew that this wasn't what I was told it should be. I knew that the man that I trusted my heart to was playing with my emotions. SO I called. And then I showed up.
The emotion that I put into wrecking that apartment was liberating. Movies, tea, milk, powder, clothing, papers, drawers, chairs, baskets, bags, pills...Beautiful. A moment of madness that truly showed how I felt at that point.
Then. A phone call. An admission. An argument.
"NO. It's not what it looks like. NO. There is only one. There is only you."
Lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, suffocating lies. The ultimate deception.
So. I returned to the mess I had made. A place for everything and everything in it's place.
More lies.
"They are on their way. I'm sorry."
An admission of guilt before valid evidence of true guilt. I didn't see it. I couldn't see it. Blinded by my love for this vile, selfish creature.
I left. I convinced myself that all of this was true. Everything he was telling me was true.
He lied. and lied. and lied. I walked in the door. There she was. In my face. The evidence was evident.
Damnit. I have never in my life felt a pain so great. I wanted to kill him. I wanted to kill her. I mainly wanted to kill myself.
The bad part is I'm not even mad at him. I feel I deserve an explanation. I deserve some sort of apology. It's not as if I didn't beg him for the truth. It's not as if I didn't give him every chance in the world to be a decent human being. But he couldn't do it. He didn't have it in him.
The worst part is that I'm continuing to pray that he still loves me. That we still have a fighting chance. But I really don't believe that we do.