Yeah, I was raped. Do I want to talk about it? No, but maybe at this point, it's time.

I've been raped before. Several times. It isn't that. The others didn't affect me the way this has.

I trusted him. I called him "brother." His mother treats me like her own child. I'm invited to family dinners and holidays. This hurts.

The reason I stopped sleeping with/dating white men is because of the first rape. I couldn't stand to see another man that looked like him on top of me. I couldn't bear to see the matching flesh because my mind automatically went back to THAT. The pressure, the fight to push, the fight to save myself from THAT. He took my innocence. He took everything that made me a woman in under two minutes. I bled...My God...I bled. It hurt and I cried.

My mom asked. The woman that gave me birth asked why my brand new jeans, my school clothes, were ruined. She wanted to know where all the blood came from. I cried and poured my heart out to this person...this person that was supposed to protect me from evil...And she ignored me. She thought I was lying.

So I stopped. I kept myself away from men that looked like him. I didn't tell anyone else and I thought I had saved myself from harm. I thought that by avoiding THEM, I was in the clear....

I wasn't. It happened again. My fault, surely. It had to be my fault. I wasn't careful enough. I didn't state my boundaries clearly enough. I didn't tell him I wasn't interested. I lead him on...Surely, it was my fault.

I can't justify Chris. I cannot. justify. this. I trusted him. I didn't lead him on. I didn't try to hit on him. He hit on me and I told him I wasn't interested.

I don't know what to do. I told Clay. I told Jamie. I told MARCUS, for fuckssake. I don't feel better. I don't feel better at all.

But tonight, when I told Jason why I wasn't comfortable sleeping with him. When I explained to him why I wasn't turned on, he blamed me. He said it was a cop out.













FUCK. I know some people may still read this, but how else am I to get this out of my head? How else do I work out all of these fucked up things? Marcus is not my therapist and if tonight proves anything, it proves that I need to seek actual help. I can only see so much. I can only handle so much. I think I have reached my breaking point.

Herzog's Post-Katrina New Orleans

Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans is raw and it's uncomfortable. It's post-Katrina New Orleans as much as the refrigerators and and gutted homes. The camera follows Lieutenant Terrence McDonagh's struggle to fight the corruption of K-Ville and the personal hell that haunts his every move. Dealing with his addiction to pain killers, we watch as McDonagh's life spirals out of control. Hallucinations and gritty, almost terrifying, soundtrack aid to show the desperation of a man losing it all. Eva Mendes' portrayal of an unapologetic call girl is beautiful. Even rapper Xibit shines as Big Fate, a betrayed NOLA drug lord. Herzog is brilliant. This gem is not for the faint of heart.

I've never written a movie review! :) I was pretty excited to try my hand at it. Comments and criticisms welcome.

Yay! I am 27. All in all, today has been rather awesome. I haven't done anything, but it's still great! :)
I'm off to drink free beer!

It's not you, it's me.

I'm tired of working menial jobs. I'm tired of settling for positions for which I am not suited.
More than that, I am tired of being fired from these positions after I've molded myself to fit what I thought the employer wanted.

"You're not lead material. You're management style is better suited for a better job." It's not them. It's me.

Yeah, Marcus says it best when he says, "Sometimes you have to eat shit." Crude way of putting it, but I get what he is saying. I haven't "paid my dues."

So I settle. I'm 26 (erm...27 tomorrow) years old and I settle in so many aspects of my life. I go to OSU when I really wanted LSU or UT or Tulane. I take Marcus how he is now because I can't have him how I want him. I accept jobs I hate because I'm trying to be realistic. In all actuality, settling is all I do right.