After everything you've done to me, I still love you. There's this empty spot in my heart where you used to be. I can't sleep and I can't think.
Mostly, I'd like to know why? Why would you do this to me knowing that I loved you? How could you lie to my face and play my friends, too? Every word you ever spoke was complete bullshit. I believe that you loved me, but your actions betray you words.
It makes me sick to think about all the time I spent with you. I want to cry, but my tears don't come anymore. To think that you, my friend, my lover, hurt me more than Marcus ever did, kills me. Not only did I lose a friend, I lost someone I thought could be the one. And for what? I'm better than she will ever be and you know that. You know that I would be the one to get you back on the right track. I could have been the one to save you, but you couldn't just let me. I never wanted you to leave your children. I wanted to be a part of their lives, too. I wanted it to be you and I against this crazy world. I never thought for a second that it would end like this. Every thing you said, every I love you, every I need you in my life...they crush me. Each time I think of your voice and think of you touching my face and holding me when I cried, I die a little more inside.
How could you do this to me? I begged you to just tell me you wanted me out of your life. You pushed back, saying that you couldn't do that because it would be a lie. Now, I'm gone. I'm out of your life, but I am out of my own life, too. Nothing is the same without you. I'm trying to make this feeling go away. I don't even know what this feeling is. It's like being completely numb, but in horrible pain at the same time.
It's hurting me to know that you're over there right now...with her. You told me it was me that you wanted, but then you do this? You couldn't be a man and just tell me you wanted me out of your life. You had to drag me into the muck and ghetto situation with you. It seems you're only happy when someone else hurts. I hate that. You used to be such a positive person. There was always a smile on your face. You were always joking and jumping around. That wasn't the same person I saw last night.
Last night, I saw a confused and frightened little boy. You don't know what you want anymore. You can't even form a sentence without including a lie.
One part of me hopes you get prison time. The other part of me hopes that you stay free for your kids. Either way, you need a wake up call. Do you think your children deserve a father like this? Are you going to raise your daughter to date someone like you? A liar and a manipulator? If Isaiah is ever cured, do you want him to grow up and be a womanizing liar like his father and grandfather? Is that what you want?
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Friday, January 13, 2012
I've done some really stupid shit this last week. Aside from blowing over $500 on booze and gambling, I've been doing some things I am not proud of. I've become a raving lunatic.
I've always been a little loud and off-kilter, but this breakup has brought out the absolute worst in me.
I am trying to forgive myself. I am trying to change who I am. I want to be someone else. I want to be someone who doesn't have to ask f6r help, but will if they need to. I want to be someone that my friends are proud of. More so, I want to be someone my grandparents don't worry about 24/7.
This has been a long time coming, but I have to make a change sometime.
I've always been a little loud and off-kilter, but this breakup has brought out the absolute worst in me.
I am trying to forgive myself. I am trying to change who I am. I want to be someone else. I want to be someone who doesn't have to ask f6r help, but will if they need to. I want to be someone that my friends are proud of. More so, I want to be someone my grandparents don't worry about 24/7.
This has been a long time coming, but I have to make a change sometime.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Sleepless
I know there are some that still read this blog and I am okay with that, but let me apologize in advance for what you're going to be seeing on here over the next year or so.
I read somewhere journaling helps with the healing process after a breakup. It suggested that instead of simply writing about random things, you delve into the reasons for your breakup. Instead of placing blame, the article implores its readers to explore the reasons for the breakup and find the lessons that they've learned.
But what if the reasons for the breakup are too complicated to analyze? What if even you don't understand the reason for the breakup?
I know that I broke up with him because I was tired of being alone. In my mind, a relationship consists of two people that want to spend as much time as possible with each other. We had that for about 9 months. When we started dating, we were inseparable. Our six and a half year friendship morphed into something easy and almost beautiful. We wanted to be around each other. We went out. We went to dinner. We spent time with my friends (but never his...RED FLAG IGNORED.) We even danced to Sinatra in seedy bars. We text and called each other when we were apart. My friends adored him. Everything was as perfect as possible...or at least as perfect as I'd ever had. Sure, occasionally, we argued about trivial shit. Sometimes we both had too much to drink and spouted off about something we shouldn't have, but in general, everything was amazing.
In August, I get a phone call. He's begging me not to be bad. He's telling me he understands if I hate him. And I did. When I found out that the mother of his first child was going to give birth to his second child the next day, I was furious. How is one expected to handle something like that? We fought for a few days. Some of my dearest friends sat me down and convinced me that he loved me. After begging them to talk some sense into me, I came around. I mean, she got pregnant before we were together. And if he really hated her as much as he said, maybe he did avoid her when he went to pick up his son. Maybe he really ignored her as much as possible, so maybe he really had no idea she was pregnant. I ultimately took him back.
We were great again. We were us again. Back to the mushy, overly adorable couple that made people a little ill. You know? The ones you want to scream "GET A FUCKING ROOM ALREADY!" at from across the room? It was pure bliss for me. Before him, I'd never been part of that couple and never experienced that type of "love."
So what happened? Well, when you're months into the relationship and you've still not met his friends, those red flags go up. You start getting suspicious when you start spending less and less time together. When that honeymoon phase is over, you begin to see the real sides of people. He started accusing me of sleeping with other guys. If I talked to someone else at the bar longer than he liked, he said I was oblivious and that I couldn't see I was being hit on. He began questioning if I really loved him or if I was using him for sex. We stopped sleeping together as frequently. This led to me questioning his questions. Why was I all of a sudden being accused of everything under the sun? What was he doing behind my back? Was this displaced guilt? He promised that nothing was going on with his baby's mother and that he would never blindside me. He assured me that I was stuck with him.
Then he got a DUI and things crumbled so much that I wanted to end it. I wanted to move on and salvage what was left of our friendship. But he insisted that I was being irrational and stated again that I was stuck with him because he loved me.
Holidays are a big deal for me. I'm the sentimental type. I begin every holiday at my grandparents and make my rounds to several friends' homes. At the end of the night, I like to be with my significant other, curled up together with some wine and conversation. He knew this. We had discussed this. So when Thanksgiving rolled around and he stopped answering his phone, I was rightfully concerned. When I found out later that evening that he had spent the day AT his babies' mother's house with his friends, I was livid. I know people that are separated from their children's parents. That is not normal behavior.
Things never righted themselves after that. He started accusing me more fervently. I was expected to go straight home after class and work while he spent time elsewhere. I couldn't take it. I finally broke up with him. I still loved him, but enough was enough. I think it was more to prove a point than it was to end the relationship forever...
After that, I started realizing certain things. All the red flags I had ignored out of blind trust and love, started slapping me in the face. I found out that he had been with the mother of his children for years and that they were together while I was with him. Tonight, I was confronted by this woman. The one he expressed so much hatred towards. The one he claimed was so abhorrent that only he would sleep with her. The tangled mess of my heart took this final blow tonight...I listened as he told her I was a "liar" and that he had never cheated on her. After years of friendship, nearly a year of being a couple, and 8 months of being lovers, I was a liar. He tossed everything we had like an empty bottle of Jager. To him, I was dispensable. To him, I wasn't as important as this other woman.
I can only explain this feeling as emptiness. I don't hate him. I hate myself. I hate that I believed the lies. I hate that towards the end, he tore me down. All the self-confidence I had built from my relationship with Marcus is ruined. All of the trust issues that I had worked out when Marcus left are back.
This isn't one that can be worked out. I don't know that I've learned a lesson from this. My last relationship took me almost 3 years to get over. I worked so hard on myself and my issues only to have my fears realized. I wonder if there's something wrong with me or if Marcus and Terrence are just horrible men incapable of overcoming their own insecurities.
Terrence, my friends, and I all know the real story. They know about all the memories we made. I know that I'll never be able to listen to "Fly Me to the Moon" again without a tear in my eye. I can only hope that somewhere in his cold, blackened heart, he feels something. I don't care if it's guilt, remorse, or just remembrance, I want him to feel something.
But that's not on me. Blame too many episodes of My Name is Earl, but this time, I will not retaliate. I won't chase after him like I did Marcus. I won't allow myself to be pulled back into his lies, like I did with Marcus. I'm not even going to do anything to prove my point. I'm just going to walk away and focus on myself again. Maybe one day, I'll get the satisfaction of knowing he feels something...The satisfaction that provides some closure...But that's not for now. Now is time for me.
I read somewhere journaling helps with the healing process after a breakup. It suggested that instead of simply writing about random things, you delve into the reasons for your breakup. Instead of placing blame, the article implores its readers to explore the reasons for the breakup and find the lessons that they've learned.
But what if the reasons for the breakup are too complicated to analyze? What if even you don't understand the reason for the breakup?
I know that I broke up with him because I was tired of being alone. In my mind, a relationship consists of two people that want to spend as much time as possible with each other. We had that for about 9 months. When we started dating, we were inseparable. Our six and a half year friendship morphed into something easy and almost beautiful. We wanted to be around each other. We went out. We went to dinner. We spent time with my friends (but never his...RED FLAG IGNORED.) We even danced to Sinatra in seedy bars. We text and called each other when we were apart. My friends adored him. Everything was as perfect as possible...or at least as perfect as I'd ever had. Sure, occasionally, we argued about trivial shit. Sometimes we both had too much to drink and spouted off about something we shouldn't have, but in general, everything was amazing.
In August, I get a phone call. He's begging me not to be bad. He's telling me he understands if I hate him. And I did. When I found out that the mother of his first child was going to give birth to his second child the next day, I was furious. How is one expected to handle something like that? We fought for a few days. Some of my dearest friends sat me down and convinced me that he loved me. After begging them to talk some sense into me, I came around. I mean, she got pregnant before we were together. And if he really hated her as much as he said, maybe he did avoid her when he went to pick up his son. Maybe he really ignored her as much as possible, so maybe he really had no idea she was pregnant. I ultimately took him back.
We were great again. We were us again. Back to the mushy, overly adorable couple that made people a little ill. You know? The ones you want to scream "GET A FUCKING ROOM ALREADY!" at from across the room? It was pure bliss for me. Before him, I'd never been part of that couple and never experienced that type of "love."
So what happened? Well, when you're months into the relationship and you've still not met his friends, those red flags go up. You start getting suspicious when you start spending less and less time together. When that honeymoon phase is over, you begin to see the real sides of people. He started accusing me of sleeping with other guys. If I talked to someone else at the bar longer than he liked, he said I was oblivious and that I couldn't see I was being hit on. He began questioning if I really loved him or if I was using him for sex. We stopped sleeping together as frequently. This led to me questioning his questions. Why was I all of a sudden being accused of everything under the sun? What was he doing behind my back? Was this displaced guilt? He promised that nothing was going on with his baby's mother and that he would never blindside me. He assured me that I was stuck with him.
Then he got a DUI and things crumbled so much that I wanted to end it. I wanted to move on and salvage what was left of our friendship. But he insisted that I was being irrational and stated again that I was stuck with him because he loved me.
Holidays are a big deal for me. I'm the sentimental type. I begin every holiday at my grandparents and make my rounds to several friends' homes. At the end of the night, I like to be with my significant other, curled up together with some wine and conversation. He knew this. We had discussed this. So when Thanksgiving rolled around and he stopped answering his phone, I was rightfully concerned. When I found out later that evening that he had spent the day AT his babies' mother's house with his friends, I was livid. I know people that are separated from their children's parents. That is not normal behavior.
Things never righted themselves after that. He started accusing me more fervently. I was expected to go straight home after class and work while he spent time elsewhere. I couldn't take it. I finally broke up with him. I still loved him, but enough was enough. I think it was more to prove a point than it was to end the relationship forever...
After that, I started realizing certain things. All the red flags I had ignored out of blind trust and love, started slapping me in the face. I found out that he had been with the mother of his children for years and that they were together while I was with him. Tonight, I was confronted by this woman. The one he expressed so much hatred towards. The one he claimed was so abhorrent that only he would sleep with her. The tangled mess of my heart took this final blow tonight...I listened as he told her I was a "liar" and that he had never cheated on her. After years of friendship, nearly a year of being a couple, and 8 months of being lovers, I was a liar. He tossed everything we had like an empty bottle of Jager. To him, I was dispensable. To him, I wasn't as important as this other woman.
I can only explain this feeling as emptiness. I don't hate him. I hate myself. I hate that I believed the lies. I hate that towards the end, he tore me down. All the self-confidence I had built from my relationship with Marcus is ruined. All of the trust issues that I had worked out when Marcus left are back.
This isn't one that can be worked out. I don't know that I've learned a lesson from this. My last relationship took me almost 3 years to get over. I worked so hard on myself and my issues only to have my fears realized. I wonder if there's something wrong with me or if Marcus and Terrence are just horrible men incapable of overcoming their own insecurities.
Terrence, my friends, and I all know the real story. They know about all the memories we made. I know that I'll never be able to listen to "Fly Me to the Moon" again without a tear in my eye. I can only hope that somewhere in his cold, blackened heart, he feels something. I don't care if it's guilt, remorse, or just remembrance, I want him to feel something.
But that's not on me. Blame too many episodes of My Name is Earl, but this time, I will not retaliate. I won't chase after him like I did Marcus. I won't allow myself to be pulled back into his lies, like I did with Marcus. I'm not even going to do anything to prove my point. I'm just going to walk away and focus on myself again. Maybe one day, I'll get the satisfaction of knowing he feels something...The satisfaction that provides some closure...But that's not for now. Now is time for me.
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