There's a person inside of me that loves you more than me. And the hurt and the pain that you put me through? She takes it as learning experience. She thinks that my life is not my own. That little person is never around when I do bad things. She doesn't deal with you every day like I do. She doesn't feel the condescending tone in your voice when I fuck up. She doesn't know the hurt I deal with when I hear someone else's name. We occupy the same body, but she's not me.

Is there someone that is not you? Does a little person in you feel guilty when I'm sad? Does that person cry when I'm happy? Does that person mourn the loss of what we had? Does he wonder where my innocence went?Does he love me more than you?

DAMNIT. I'm doomed! DOOOOOOOMMMMEEEEDDDDD!!! I'm never going to get into grad school! My friends are ten times more intelligent than myself. :( FUCK!

A friends of mine just received a rejection letter from OSU Grad College. :/ There is no hope for me. He writing sample is amazing. Mine is just a bunch of pathetic little short stories.. Bah. Today is stupid.

No Bar Challenge Day 2 - This post has nothing to do with said Challenge..

He mentioned being broke today, so I made the mistake of asking if "that girl" had a job. He said she didn't but that come this weekend she was taking the LSAT. He hinted that if she were to fail, he was making her get a job. I didn't say much. What can I say to that? I worked when we were together, but he didn't make as much back then. I really had no argument.

I don't like talking about her, but I brought it up, so I gave him his five minutes. (I say five minutes because that's the most amount of time in a week I can hear about her without breaking down into a slobbering pile of tears and snot.)

About two minutes into said five minutes, he laughs and says, "She asked me if I was moving if she got into law school out of state." I wait. My heart jumped a little. Not because I was afraid he would move with her, but because my heart is a conniving little muscle always thinking about how something horrible for Marcus can turn into something amazing for me...

"So??? You said yes, right?" Of course he didn't fucking say yes. Louisiana is his home.

"BAHAHA FUCKS NO! I told her that, too." He's cracking up as if he's just heard the best joke ever written.

"Oh. That's AWESOME. I hope she gets into TU or..." And this is the point where my big, fat mouth overrides my little, tiny brain. "...or somewhere in MONTANA. Well, not Montana, because you might actually move there, but I hope she does! Then you won't be able to stand not having sex and you'll cheat on her and it will be OVER!" Shit. I said THAT? Yeah. I said that.

He sits there for a second, so I continue. "That was mean, wasn't it? I shouldn't have said that."

"I.." He's chuckling now. "..can't believe you think I am that much of a whore." His feelings. I forgot that he has those. At this point, my idiot mouth is still running. "It's not that. It's just that you love sex just as much as I do and you wouldn't last six months without it. You don't understand. Law school is crazy. Law students can't just pick up and go home when they want. They're lucky if they get home once a year. Long distance relationships are not an OPTION in law school."

WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID IN THE BEGINNING: "Oh, I can't believe you wouldn't move with her. You've been together so long now that NOT moving would surely be a mistake."

Then the subject changes to ME and MY plans after my undergrad...after he mentions that he missed talking to me this week and he left two voicemails to prove it.

*********

I don't know. I'm mainly rambling at this point, but I can't sleep and this conversation is playing it's way out in my head. Any support I ever had for his current relationship went straight out the window the day she called me names over the phone. She's petty and childish. She's divorced at 22. She's everything he said he never wanted. Any mention of my name brings ever curse word she's ever heard to her lips. It causes fights. I can be a good person. I can hear of her, not her name, of course, because he knows better than to mention that, without calling her a string of bitches.

I don't know what I am going to do. I'm tired, but I cannot sleep. My mind is working overtime and every time I close my eyes I think of what happens after undergrad. That's still nearly a year away. Why am I worried now? What will I do if I DON'T get accepted to LSU or anywhere else for that matter?

I need sleep, but it won't come. I'm done complaining for tonight. Hopefully, I'll pass this French test tomorrow...even on 2.5 hours sleep.

Tonight was pure hell. I didn't get out of the house until damn near eleven. I stopped to get an old friend, not because she offered to buy...which she did...but because I knew she was having a bad day. Well, her offer to buy turned into an $80 tab for me. Then she disappeared...apparently to have sex with ANOTHER friend of mine in the bathroom..I'm leaving the rest of the story alone for now, but tonight was fucking stupid.

30 day no bar challenge starts today. I can drink. I'm not going to say no drinking because that would be stupid. I couldn't do that. So as of today, no bars for 30 days. I can't even GO and not drink. Period end of story no bars. I'll be blogging and tweeting this bullshit. Not that anyone gaf, but I will be. Let the bullshit begin. :/

I'm here. I'm writing. I read my old blog posts and realize that I am nothing now. The older I get, the shittier my writing gets.

However, today, I am here to complain.

CyClone Yasi is not Hurricane Katrina. I want to punch someone each time I hear the comparison. It's like saying that the BP oil spill was Obama's Katrina. It is fucking stupid. They knew Katrina was coming. They knew there were ways to evacuate the city and help, but they neglected to do so...SO NO..That stupid fucking cyclone is NOT Katrina

Annnnd to drag this out a bit: My sister tried to tell me on Sunday that the people of New Orleans "shoulda left!" She said that "if they would have wanted to leave, they coulda got all their neighbors together and got out..." Are you fucking SERIOUS right now? I think her privileged spoiled bitch attitude is part of the reason we got into it at the close of our mini vacay. I feel bad every time I am shitty to her, but people (and I) need to realize how incredibly spoiled and shitty she is as a person. She's never earned anything on her own. She has not education...No motivation...No skills... How do things just keep falling in her lap? Oh...nvm..Fake boobs, beauty, and a high metabolism will get you everywhere.