Dashing my hopes and dreams...

Wow.
I'm working...Late...Day 4 into the three weeks with no days off stint. I love my job. Not because of my employees, though I have two that make it kind of worthwhile. Not because I can yell at people and write people up for random shit because I don't like thier attitudes. I like my job because of the people! I love hearing thier stories. I like it when they are happy and I like it when they are complete assholes.

I was talking to a guest earlier. She's 61. A nice looking woman for 61. She had come into Tulsa because she was meeting up with her high school sweetheart. He was flying to Tulsa from Pheonix to come stay with her for Christmas. She hadn't seen him in 38 years and she was nervous. She told me that they had been together for almost 7 years and she finally married someone else...She told him, "Well, you wouldn't marry me!!!" She said he's the only one who's given her butterflies all this time.

I had high hopes for her meeting. I wanted him to be like Jake Lalane...All old and buff and rich! The story was so romantic and it seemed that a story like that meant that maybe Marcus and I had some hope afterall...

Well, when she meets the guy for the first time after all those years, he's old. Much older than his sixty years. He has a cane and seemed to be in the early stages of Parkinson's. (This isn't to say he's not still a great guy, but I am superficial and shallow.) Poor thing. She said, "He needs a lot of work and he's sick.."

Damnit. Does this mean that when Marcus finally comes to his senses, he'll be old and shaky? Living on SSI? I don't think I can wait that damn long and if I did, I don't think I would want to deal with that!

We're arguing right now...More like, I am pissed and he finds it comical. He always laughs when I am pissed. I curse like a sailor and say things that are completely irrational. I have a habit of saying things I don't mean, too. But, damnit...I'm tired of it! I'm tired of waiting on him to make up his mind. I'm tired of only being able to talk to him between 5 and 5:40 every night...Or only being able to talk to him on his way home from work. I'm hot, damnit. I've got a great ass and great boobs and I'm pretty! I'm my own person. I pay my bills and handle my "bidness" like a woman. Why the fuck am I chasing my damn tail waiting on this asshole? I keep trying to convince myself that I hate him and I never want to see him again, but who am I kidding? I can't go longer than 24 hours without hearing his voice, so how am I expected to cut him off completely? Everyone who knows him and knows me seems to think that he does love me and that he is protecting me from himself, but why does it all feel like a sick, sad excuse?

I keep telling myself that if I do this or that, then eventually, he'll see that I love him beyond reason. I know that if he did come back, he would cheat on me and lie...He knows that and that is his excuse. So why am I feeling like I would be content with that?

Ugh...Done for now. Just bitching.

Randomness

"Have you ever had mind-blowing sex? The kind of sex that makes you want to die? Just fall in the floor and give up and die." ~ Grey's Anatomy ~ Izzie

Ugh...That's what I've been thinking about this morning...Hell, all night...The fact that he's with her at this very moment clinches my heart, it feels like someone has wrapped their hand around my heart and is squeezing...Like it will explode at any minute. I want him in every way. It is killing me that I know that she, this little younger thinner version of Ambre, is the reason he has chosen to place me on the backburner, again. It is not as if this is the first time, but it hurts everytime he does it.

You know what else hurts? Taking my lawyer $250 extra for something that I feel is quite possibly futile when I only have $40 to my name...Something else that hurts? Knowing that I have to put Clayton to sleep because he is suffering. Knowing that my little travel buddy is going to die. Knowing that I am the one that must take him to the vet to end his life. He was Marcus' pet...How did I end up being the one making the difficult decisions? He's an innocent animal. He's never bit anyone or caused any problems. Clayton makes my life much easier than Marcus does...I would rather put Marcus to sleep than Clayton, but that wouldn't be legal in this country...

Being out of school is going to drive me back to drinking. This job is not going to take up enough of my time to keep me sane. Besides that, I have one employee that I would really like to fire. It will not bother me one bit to work sixteen hour days, seven days a week. I'm really going to try to give the moron a chance, but I'm almost certain that his is not competent enough to save his own ass. (And if he hits on me one more time, I'm going to slit his throat with a room key...) Upper management really doesn't give a fuck. They're too busy renovating and trying to impress the owners. Our sales guy is tolerable, but I don't think he is capable of doing what he needs to do. I think the goals of the new company are lofty and unrealistic, but I'm sure as hell not telling them that. Another thing that is bugging the shit out of me is I don't really feel that the other employees respect me. Not ALL of them, but two inparticular.

Well, I'm out, again...I've got to go to Financial Aid and kiss some ass....

BECH.

I am so sick of getting all worked up everytime you don't do what you say. It is not like I am completely unaware that it will happen again and again and again, but I keep placing myself in front of the firing squad. Then I get my stupid little heartbroke again.

But my question to you is what the fuck did I do (or not do) this time?

I could hear it in your voice earlier. Something is going on. Three years of your hot and cold, back and forth bullshit has left me jaded and completely aware of your idiosycricies. Like I said, I'm not an actual idiot, I just choose to be one for you on occasion.

If it's that little bitch again, I can tolerate it for now. I figure that if I am good long enough and prove myself to you for long enough, you'll eventuall do away with her anyways. However, I also know that any optimism I ever have regarding you always gives you a chance to smash my already duct taped heart into even smaller pieces. You've done it so many times that I am not sure if it can be repaired...

Lost

Class is out for a MONTH. WTF am I going to do with my life?! I'm going to be bored as fuck since I no longer drink. I'm going to have nothing to do! I'm not really bitching because I am glad to be in REAL school now. TCC is kind of a joke up against my core classes scheduled for next semester. Anyone can figure out the mean, median, range, and profit margins of random shit, but how many people can analyze a horror movie? Hells yeah.

I guess I am going to catch up on my reading. I've got David Sedaris' new book somewhere in my car and E. Lynn Harris' new book on my coffee table.

I've pretty much lost all motivation to write. I'm not much good at it since I put down the booze. I mean, seriously, most great writers are hopped up on something when they create masterpieces...Either that or they're schizophrenic.

I also think I might attempt to push some of this pent up energy towards excercise and health. Maybe learn how to make some healthy meals...Whatev.


On another note, I believe that I have become totally lost in this psuedo-relationship with Marcus. We're not together, but he's acting different than usual. I act like we're together. Poor Anthony and Gary don't stand a chance these days. The only time I don't talk to him is if I am being an ass and trying to prove a point and occasionally, when he goes home. But here's the kicker: I don't know if he's still with this girl. I have no idea! I asked him not to mention her to me. I can't maintain my sanity (or what's left of it) if he mentions her name! Just like when I talk to Ambre and she mentions his name, it makes me want to rip her eyes from her skull.

And I feel like a total ass because I have to put Clayton Garner to sleep and I didn't even CONSIDER how Marcus might feel about the situation. He did belong to him first, but Marcus has never been one to discuss anything that could be considered an emotion. The really bad part is he's the one that is going to pay for it. Bech. I don't even know what to say to that..."Thanks for sending me money to kill my/our ferret?"

It sucks because Clayton is my little travel buddy and I love, love, love him...But he's sick. Sick as fuck. He throws up everything he eats and goes into a catatonic state after throwing up. He sleeps pretty much ALL day and the tumor is so big I can see it.

Weeeeeeellllllllll, good ol' Scandals is staying at my hotel tonight with her job and housekeeping is running my front desk, so I think I'll head off to work and kick some "love you long time" ass...