Virtual death? I am okay with my virtual life. I just want everyone in real life to think I've died.

It is all bullshit. Marcus is a liar. Elizabeth is a flake. Anthony, MY GOD, he's a lying flake.

But maybe Elizabeth is right. Maybe after busting my ass to bring my GPA from a 1.4 to a CUMULATIVE 3.08, I still won't be shit. Maybe I will always be defined by my past mistakes. Maybe it IS me that fucked up with Marcus.

I am just lost. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be friendless, but with friends like this...

I HAVE real friends. It is not that. It is the fact that their all married and in relationships with children...I am bitching, yes, but fucking shit fuck damn bob saget, this is not cool... I feel like I am not getting through to anyone. My grandmother is generally the only person that gets me, but she's worried about me getting robbed and beat up. Wow. Am I really that confusing?

"Sometimes it feels that the heart is no place to be singing from at all."

I'm writing today for no other reason than I have been thinking about it all day. I don't have a lot to say, but felt compelled to write nonetheless.

I picked up a book today not related to classes. It feels weird. It feels as if I am slacking and not doing something. I love Walter Mosley. The Long Fall is his first Leonid McGill mystery. It is good, but I am rarely let down by Walter Mosley (except of course Killing Johnny Fry. That was terrible.)

I finally bought an LSAT book and a GRE Literature book. I just can't seem to make myself use them. I know that I'll be taking both tests sometime next year, but SHIT. School is wearing me the hell out. I also know that volunteer work needs to be done before I even think about applying to either school. My CUMULATIVE GPA is a 3.08. That pisses me off because my retention GPA is a 3.6. That 3.08 looks terrible when applying to other schools.

Finally talked to Evil Bastard. I didn't want to talk to him, but my better judgment went out the door when my car overheated. He's not discussing the lease with me. He's not discussing anything but car issues at this point. I'm not sure why he feels that avoidance is the answer. Five years of avoiding the issues and it has gotten us nowhere.

This is so different for me. I would love to say that I don't love him, but I still do. I just feel different. I know that no matter what has ever happened between us, I'm still in the same sinking ship. I don't want to live my life like that.

I've just been depressed this week. I know I promised a sunnier, more optimistic blog, but fuckall, I just don't have it in me currently.

It is now apparent that I am incapable of having a normal relationship with anyone that I know. I mean, friendships, romantic relationships, work relationships. I am obvious socially inept. I think that the only friendships I can maintain are those where I only speak to the person once every few months.

I KNOW drinking doesn't help shit, but GD. I don't know how being drunk leads to this.