I don't even know anymore.

I told you something huge...And you said, "I don't care right now."

You know what? I am begining to see what you are truly made of. Hatred and selfishness. You are the person that I have always been good to. You are the one that I have always treated better than anyone else. You are the one that I wanted to do this with. You are the person I fell in love with.

I'm not sure I am in love with you anymore. I am not sure why I keep coming back or why I hold on so tight to something that isn't what it was. You have never been anything less than the hero in my story until now. Now you're the villian. You're someone that I don't respect. You're no longer my support system...Instead, I feel like I need to support you.

I can't carry you when I can hardly carry myself.

Numb again

I am so numb right now...with good reason.

I don't know if this is the end, but maybe it should be.

I'm more worried about the lease than I am anything else. I already said the other day that I was tired of this mess...I love you, but I don't love this you. I love the person I knew in 2006 and 2007...The begining of this mess. I don't love this person that doesn't make time for me. I don't love this person that has no clue what he wants in life or what he feels about me.

I don't doubt that you love me, but it's not enough at this point. It was enough a very long time ago when you cared about my school and you cared about me.

If this is supposed to teach me a lesson, it's not teaching me anything except for how to hate you.

When you said that you would do anything for me and you loved me but on a different platform it wasn't enough. It's not enough it never is.

Nothing is ever enough actually. You and I in the begining worked so well, but you said the other day it was empty. it meant everything to me...

I'm done. I'm messed up right now and I am going to try to do something productive.

No Hook

So this semester is totally kicking my ass. I'm not sure if it is pure laziness or if I am actually too stupid to complete the assignments required of me. AAH doesn't make sense. I love listening to that man because he is incredibly intelligent with a soothing voice, but I cannot help but think maybe he is purposely tripping me up. I don't understand half of what he is talking about. I can read the material and it clicks, but it never sticks. So then I'm left staring at my test like a five year old trying to read Freud. My AMST class makes sense, but this stupid paper is tough. I don't know how the hell to compare American Psycho to Psycho and I sure as hell don't know what means you would like for me to use when comparing horror of personality flicks with real life. Pop Fic isn't too bad. My Prof is hot, but why does the whole damn theme have to be sex and gender? I don't really think that when Ross McDonald wrote his pieces he was thinking about what the Alice character said about women of the time...No, he just wanted a bitch to kill something. Genre is the only class I'll likely pass and that's bc it's all BS. I write whatever the hell I want and the can analyze it however they want...Not my prob.

Anyways. part two.
Marcus is completely driving me insane. I'm tired of this, "I love you/I care about you" bullshit. If you really feel that way, then don't you think four years is long enough to form some sort of commitment? I'm not talking about marriage. A freaking title of some sort would be great. I got drunk djing the other day and I text him, "I love you?" At that point, when I was having fun and working and drinking and being hit on by attractive men, it was a question. I kind of wish I could have expressed that fully when he asked...

Ah fuck it. I need to get on my grind and get back in shape and quit worrying about all this bullshit.