Weeeeellll, I've decided to do something to settle my own indecision! It's pretty great that I've finally learned to make choices on my own!
I'm going to take both the GRE and the LSAT. Whichever score is better, that's what I shall do with my life. If neither one is good enough to earn an assistantship or scholarship, I'm going to by a van and do nothing with my life. haha.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Repeating Disasters
In a bit, I get to explain why I drink to the reason I drink.
I'm done with this "friendship."
I'm over the lies.
9 hundred miles can hide much deceit.
What am I supposed to say? I could lie to you, but I'm not as charming as yourself.
Too many years of my blunt honesty, now the truth can hold no lies.
I don't understand how people walk away when I do my best to even turn my back.
It fucking kills me. It makes me sick. I am done with all of this. Yet, you're gone and I'm still here.
What do I need from you that I cannot get from another? This is a question for which there is no answer.
I need you to walk away. I need you to turn your back. I know that I will never have the balls to do this. I know that I will always be your groupie. I will always be naive and small when it comes to you. I cannot take this anymore.
I'm done with this "friendship."
I'm over the lies.
9 hundred miles can hide much deceit.
What am I supposed to say? I could lie to you, but I'm not as charming as yourself.
Too many years of my blunt honesty, now the truth can hold no lies.
I don't understand how people walk away when I do my best to even turn my back.
It fucking kills me. It makes me sick. I am done with all of this. Yet, you're gone and I'm still here.
What do I need from you that I cannot get from another? This is a question for which there is no answer.
I need you to walk away. I need you to turn your back. I know that I will never have the balls to do this. I know that I will always be your groupie. I will always be naive and small when it comes to you. I cannot take this anymore.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Rant...A real rant.
*Thank Facebook and fuckthesouth.com for this diatribe.
I love the South...I just hate you "Red State" bastards with your backwards ass ideas and closed-minded bullshit. I'm also tired of your stupid unpatriotic attitudes and ignorance-fueled hatred. You idiots wouldn't be bitching and calling people liars in a professional setting if McCain were president. Everyone knows you're a backwoods, racist, confederate flag waving moron. I grew up with you...I know what kind of people created you.
How dare you try to censor the words of our chosen leader?! I didn't like Bush, but you didn't see me (or other Anti-Bush citizens) throwing a fucking temper tantrum everytime he was scheduled to open his mouth. At least this President doesn't make up his own words.
And as for your stupid ass opinions relating to gay marriage, etc..., SHUT THE FUCK UP. I'm quite positive more than half of you idiots have gotten drunk and played rug doctor or hide-the-weenie with your best friends. Don't deny that shit now. You liked it...You probably loved it, but you were too worried about being disowned by mommy and daddy to do something that would make you happy. The only reason you oppose gay marriage is because you're stuck in some miserable arrangement "for the kids sake" with a womanizing prick. You're afraid that someone else might be happy. That's not my problem, that's yours. You should've had an abortion then you wouldn't be stuck with some semi-retarded, breast feeding four year old.
AND on that note, you talk too damned much. "Joannah Lee Bob Blossom Fucker loves her life with her family!!!1!!" If you post bullshit like this everyday, you're full of shit. You're lucky I don't call you on it. I'm not the only one sick of your bullshit. Some of us are single and loving it...We pity you.
Single folks: Constantly changing your relationship status? Have you thought that maybe it's you? Think about it or slit your wrists the next time your boyfriend of two long months breaks up with you.
The terrible part about this is that it's genetic. Your parents were dumbfucks, you're a dumbfuck, and those ugly little bastards you call your children are going to be dumbfucks. Go exercise your 2nd Amendment right. Maybe you'll kill each other off.
I love the South...I just hate you "Red State" bastards with your backwards ass ideas and closed-minded bullshit. I'm also tired of your stupid unpatriotic attitudes and ignorance-fueled hatred. You idiots wouldn't be bitching and calling people liars in a professional setting if McCain were president. Everyone knows you're a backwoods, racist, confederate flag waving moron. I grew up with you...I know what kind of people created you.
How dare you try to censor the words of our chosen leader?! I didn't like Bush, but you didn't see me (or other Anti-Bush citizens) throwing a fucking temper tantrum everytime he was scheduled to open his mouth. At least this President doesn't make up his own words.
And as for your stupid ass opinions relating to gay marriage, etc..., SHUT THE FUCK UP. I'm quite positive more than half of you idiots have gotten drunk and played rug doctor or hide-the-weenie with your best friends. Don't deny that shit now. You liked it...You probably loved it, but you were too worried about being disowned by mommy and daddy to do something that would make you happy. The only reason you oppose gay marriage is because you're stuck in some miserable arrangement "for the kids sake" with a womanizing prick. You're afraid that someone else might be happy. That's not my problem, that's yours. You should've had an abortion then you wouldn't be stuck with some semi-retarded, breast feeding four year old.
AND on that note, you talk too damned much. "Joannah Lee Bob Blossom Fucker loves her life with her family!!!1!!" If you post bullshit like this everyday, you're full of shit. You're lucky I don't call you on it. I'm not the only one sick of your bullshit. Some of us are single and loving it...We pity you.
Single folks: Constantly changing your relationship status? Have you thought that maybe it's you? Think about it or slit your wrists the next time your boyfriend of two long months breaks up with you.
The terrible part about this is that it's genetic. Your parents were dumbfucks, you're a dumbfuck, and those ugly little bastards you call your children are going to be dumbfucks. Go exercise your 2nd Amendment right. Maybe you'll kill each other off.
MEH
Welllll, I am officially a money hungry IDIOT. I've agreed to work a total of 48 hours a week for the next who the hell knows how long. On top of that, tonight is the start of a 7 day stretch with no day off. I don't even LIKE these jobs. Matter of fact, I hate these jobs! Fuck. I am so ready for grad school that I can't stand myself. (that is if I am accepted. if not, I might as well just pack my shit and move under a fucking bridge somewhere. I can't work at a dumb hotel my whole life.)
I've been a little "blue" lately. I can't quite call it depressed because I've BEEN depressed and this isn't it. Anyways. I was at home today, cooking and cleaning, and two guys knock on my door. The apartment complex neglected to let me know that they had scheduled me for a carpet cleaning (Thank GOD I was even scheduled. I've been there almost four years and they've never cleaned the carpets!). The guys come in and take a quick look around. My place looked like, well, like I live there. Long story shorter, I had on NO makeup, my hair was doing some weird bird's nest thing, and I was covered in dog hair and refrigerator junk. No big deal except the black dude was HOT. He was tall, dark complexioned (is that a word?), and had a sexy deep voice. They leave. I'm embarassed. Whatev. About five minutes later, the hot one comes back upstairs with his business card and phone number. SCORE! Pretty good considering I've looked like hell and I've been arguing with Marcus for about a week now.
On another note, I found a flash drive from 2007 in my kitchen. It contained a ton of MP3s and one assignment from my Short Story class. I opened it expecting to find some gem that I had forgotten about. NOPE. While the premise was great, one situation from two characters POV, the writing itself was SHIT. I'm going to post it for a good laugh.
Class is kicking my ass. Not because I'm taking anything particularly difficult, but because I have no motivation. I don't feel like reading anything. I don't feel like forming sentences. I don't even feel like showing up to class. Some of the assignments seem simple enough, but I am no familiar with the types of writing that is being requested. I don't know what a theoretical model is and I definitely don't know what a research proposal should look like. I have been thinking about asking someone who's already an established professor to help me, but I would feel like an idiot...That and the last time I asked a professor for help, she kind of blew me off a little bit.
I guess I'm going to try to write something for African American History. I love this class. My professor is hot. I just don't want to do it! BEH. Wish me luck I guess.
I've been a little "blue" lately. I can't quite call it depressed because I've BEEN depressed and this isn't it. Anyways. I was at home today, cooking and cleaning, and two guys knock on my door. The apartment complex neglected to let me know that they had scheduled me for a carpet cleaning (Thank GOD I was even scheduled. I've been there almost four years and they've never cleaned the carpets!). The guys come in and take a quick look around. My place looked like, well, like I live there. Long story shorter, I had on NO makeup, my hair was doing some weird bird's nest thing, and I was covered in dog hair and refrigerator junk. No big deal except the black dude was HOT. He was tall, dark complexioned (is that a word?), and had a sexy deep voice. They leave. I'm embarassed. Whatev. About five minutes later, the hot one comes back upstairs with his business card and phone number. SCORE! Pretty good considering I've looked like hell and I've been arguing with Marcus for about a week now.
On another note, I found a flash drive from 2007 in my kitchen. It contained a ton of MP3s and one assignment from my Short Story class. I opened it expecting to find some gem that I had forgotten about. NOPE. While the premise was great, one situation from two characters POV, the writing itself was SHIT. I'm going to post it for a good laugh.
Class is kicking my ass. Not because I'm taking anything particularly difficult, but because I have no motivation. I don't feel like reading anything. I don't feel like forming sentences. I don't even feel like showing up to class. Some of the assignments seem simple enough, but I am no familiar with the types of writing that is being requested. I don't know what a theoretical model is and I definitely don't know what a research proposal should look like. I have been thinking about asking someone who's already an established professor to help me, but I would feel like an idiot...That and the last time I asked a professor for help, she kind of blew me off a little bit.
I guess I'm going to try to write something for African American History. I love this class. My professor is hot. I just don't want to do it! BEH. Wish me luck I guess.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Part II for no reason...
So, I'm 26 and I have just figured out the key to men.
Ignore them. Treat them like shit. They will be all over you like the Right Wing media on Barack Obama.
I get it, but it doesn't make sense. Humans are odd creatures. If I ignore my dog, he chews my shoes up. If I ignore a man, they buy me things and beg me to hang out. Calling them names always seems to turn them on, too.
If I had balls, I would ignore Marcus for two weeks...Not answer any phone calls or texts. I wouldn't even take the time to press the ignore button...
Ignore them. Treat them like shit. They will be all over you like the Right Wing media on Barack Obama.
I get it, but it doesn't make sense. Humans are odd creatures. If I ignore my dog, he chews my shoes up. If I ignore a man, they buy me things and beg me to hang out. Calling them names always seems to turn them on, too.
If I had balls, I would ignore Marcus for two weeks...Not answer any phone calls or texts. I wouldn't even take the time to press the ignore button...
64 hours of sweet freedom.
I am so incredibly exhausted. I've had about 5 hours sleep since yesterday at seven am. School isn't killing me, but this job might be. I'm praying that come May 2010, all this bullshit will pay off. I'm praying that the GRE isn't as evil as I imagine. I need this assistantship for my own sanity.
I haven't quite kept up the end of the bargain with myself. I haven't been blogging as I promised. On the bright side, two days of caloric compliance. I'm hungry, but I am learning what I can eat and what will demolish my goal. I can't quite give up the cigarettes. I love them too much.
Speaking of loving too much: I am considering the benefits of pushing Marcus entirely out of my life. In theory, it wouldn't be too difficult. Stop calling and change my number. Who cares that I live in his apartment? But in action, it's the hardest thing I have ever even comtemplated. I shouldn't lean on him. I shouldn't want him like this. I shouldn't need him, but I do. Christmas with him has been the only thing to get me through the season for the past three (four? it's hard to keep track with a man like him...) years.
Love is stupid. It is beyond stupid. It is illogical. I can't make sense of it. It is frustrating to be such a control freak when I actually control nothing.
Done for now.
I haven't quite kept up the end of the bargain with myself. I haven't been blogging as I promised. On the bright side, two days of caloric compliance. I'm hungry, but I am learning what I can eat and what will demolish my goal. I can't quite give up the cigarettes. I love them too much.
Speaking of loving too much: I am considering the benefits of pushing Marcus entirely out of my life. In theory, it wouldn't be too difficult. Stop calling and change my number. Who cares that I live in his apartment? But in action, it's the hardest thing I have ever even comtemplated. I shouldn't lean on him. I shouldn't want him like this. I shouldn't need him, but I do. Christmas with him has been the only thing to get me through the season for the past three (four? it's hard to keep track with a man like him...) years.
Love is stupid. It is beyond stupid. It is illogical. I can't make sense of it. It is frustrating to be such a control freak when I actually control nothing.
Done for now.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Last Breath of the Dying Light
Starting today, I am quitting smoking. I am going to bust my ass in class. I am going to start eating better. I am going to start taking better care of myself. I am going to stop blowing money on stupid shit. I can still have my daily caffeine fix, but I am going to do my damndest to become a healthier individual.
I am going to start blogging daily. Not necessarily these bullshit rants that I've become so great at giving, but something. I need to work on my prose. First, I need to figure out what prose really is. I'm going to start studying for the GRE because DAMNIT I need at least a 600. I'm going to make sure that every paper I turn in is good enough to make an A. I need a 4.0 this semester and the next and the next. I have to be accepted to the assitantship program...Failure is not an option.
Oklahoma is not my home. I need to be in a place where I can thrive. I need to be surrounded by people that have the same intellectual interests. I need to be with people of ambition. I refuse to allow myself to stoop to the level of those that do not care enough about themselves. I pretend to be strong and not subject to the pressure of others, but I am fooling myself.
My drinking has grown out of control, so I am going to control it. Quitting all together is not realistic. I can drink, but I can't drink as much. Only special occasions warrant a drink. Yes, I plan on getting hammered at the OSU game. Yes, I plan on partaking in the wine at the Writer's Hall of Fame in October.
All of this sounds so simple. Everything sounds simple at six am. But I mean this. I despise the person I am becoming. I've made my bed, but it's time to get up.
Thank you. That is all.
I am going to start blogging daily. Not necessarily these bullshit rants that I've become so great at giving, but something. I need to work on my prose. First, I need to figure out what prose really is. I'm going to start studying for the GRE because DAMNIT I need at least a 600. I'm going to make sure that every paper I turn in is good enough to make an A. I need a 4.0 this semester and the next and the next. I have to be accepted to the assitantship program...Failure is not an option.
Oklahoma is not my home. I need to be in a place where I can thrive. I need to be surrounded by people that have the same intellectual interests. I need to be with people of ambition. I refuse to allow myself to stoop to the level of those that do not care enough about themselves. I pretend to be strong and not subject to the pressure of others, but I am fooling myself.
My drinking has grown out of control, so I am going to control it. Quitting all together is not realistic. I can drink, but I can't drink as much. Only special occasions warrant a drink. Yes, I plan on getting hammered at the OSU game. Yes, I plan on partaking in the wine at the Writer's Hall of Fame in October.
All of this sounds so simple. Everything sounds simple at six am. But I mean this. I despise the person I am becoming. I've made my bed, but it's time to get up.
Thank you. That is all.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
I was reading the confessional and I came across this:
"I read her blog for exactly the same reason I rubberneck gory accidents."
I thought for a minute...Could this possibly be directed to me? I thought some more and realized that it was within the bounds of reality. My life is a trainwreck. I know this, Marcus knows this, so I'm sure my readers know this (All two of you..)
I am venting again. Not really anything different. Like when I say, "I'm mad!" and my platonic life partner answers, "What else is new?" I would love to pretend that I have everything under control, but I'm not good at lying to myself...I never believe me.
This is more or less my journal. I don't know that it can be called a blog with so few entries and so few readers. I'm happy for the readers that I do have though. It connects me in a weird way that I can't connect with people off line.
Conversational switch:
I spent $110 on booze last night. I've spent over $600 on booze in the past three weeks. I'm feeling a little depressed. I used to have fun drinking. I used to love being at the bar and talking to people. But lately, it has lost its shine. I don't enjoy taking shots. I don't enjoy handing $8 to a stranger for evil in a glass. I hate the hangovers. It seems they only get worse. Instead of waking up with a mild headache, I wake up with motion sickness and vomiting. This could possibly due to the recent increase in my drinking habits. There was a point in time when I could buy two or three drinks, be tipsy, and go home. Not the case these days. It takes $60 or more to reach that point and even then, I fight sleep and continue drinking.
I feel better today. This rant started yesterday, but I definitely feel a little better today. My talk with Marcus did more for me than anything. I know that this is my battle to wage, but just knowing that someone else cares enough to be disappointed makes it a little easier to fight.
Love is something I cannot understand. I know that he loves me, I would be a fool to believe otherwise, but there is always something missing...
Done for today. Going back to bed.
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