I've been falling behind in my writing. This isn't on purpose, but often, I am struck be this overwhelming sense of inferiority to other writers. I read Bunniblog and realize that even when she's discussing the intricacies of making French cream puffs, she's still 134% more interesting than myself. I even read Steve Don't Eat That and think, "Wow, maybe I need to eat some Spam that's been in the cabinet for 7 years...Or some natto..." I visit my fave writing website and see that the Scriners can capture each other's attention with a quickly penned sentence. I feel like my work doesn't belong there either. I haven't written anything to be proud of since the Spring...maybe well before that.
I started a new series a few weeks ago, but can't muster the energy to start on chapter two. Shit, it's not like it should be difficult. It's my real life!
It's been like this lately for me. I'm becoming indifferent to my own life. I'm not sure that I really want to try anything these days. Work is a bore. Once I loved smiling and entertaining the guests during our brief encounters. Now I grow irritated if I am forced to open my mouth to them. Marcus has always been one that I have wanted to talk to. Someone that I would chase to the end of the Earth. But lately, I couldn't give a shit what he thinks. I still want to hear his voice, but it's as if his words mean nothing. I don't get happy when I speak to him, I get hostile because I wonder why he doesn't say the things he should say...Or worse, I wonder what the things he did say actually meant. I feel that he's the conductor of some mass conspiracy to string me along...To humiliate me. Somedays I think that this is his goal. To reel me in and cast me back out into the dark waters of the world. This neverending cycle is some plot to ensure my eternal loneliness.
I'm not unhappy. I'm okay with the idea that I am not as talented as my peers. I don't dwell on the idea that I will forever be trapped in the web of deceit and confusion that my own muse has spun for me.
I'll finish this late since I am incapable of finishing anything...ever.
2 comments:
Bah. I know the feeling well. However, mostly you just need to fake being competent until you find you actually are.
As for the blah mood, I can totally identify with that too. And tho I'm not really one for the self-help aisle at the bookstore or library, I picked up a bood a few years ago called "Authentic Happiness" by Martin Seligman that resonated with me at the time.
You might check it out. It might help you move forward out of the current rut.
Oh, and never underestimate the power of exercise, healthy food, sunshine and good sleep.
Duh, that was me, 'mouse, of course.
Post a Comment