I'm not lonely. I am not sad. I am realizing that those emotions are futile. Whether by the hand of God, fate, or karma, I am fucked...I feel I cannot control my own destiny. If there were a religion that proposed that what happens happens and whatever good you do will make up for that bad, I would be that...Maybe I am ignorant. I don't know. I believe in God. I believe in fate. I believe in karma. I believe in Obama. Nothing matters these days. I feel that no matter what I do, I am destined to be what I am. I feel my choices, however bad or good, will get me to the place I need to be.
But is that the right belief? Is that what my grandparents want for me?
I am tired of being depressed. I am tired of feeling like my decisions don't matter in the long run. I am sick of my job because...Because I feel like I am better than that fucking job. I feel like when I surround myself with fucking ambitionless idiots, I drag myself down. I want to quit. I'd rather be a loser amongst people going somewhere than a winner amongst high school dropouts and teen mothers.
Forgive this rant. It's October. My blog has proven that I have SAD. I blog it out. I've made it this far. I refuse to die now.
2 comments:
I totally understand SAD. Some years I try swapping out one of the office florescent lights with a full-spectrum sunshine gro-lite when I get desperate. I don't know if it helps, but at least I feel like I'm doing something to try to dig out of the abyss.
Actually, Pumpkin pie spice, eggnog and cheerfully putting on ten pounds usually helps too, but I hear that's a guy thing.
Ha. I don't know there is a way for me to "cheerfully put on ten pounds." I think that would send me deeper into a pit of hopeless despair.
I may try the light thing. I'm feeling a little angrier..You know? More like my old self.
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