Dr. Wilkerson told me today that Dot was not put to sleep. She was adopted by the vet (Dr. Wilkerson) and he gave her surgery and adopted her to another vet in Oklahoma City. I saw the damn paperwork that said you signed her over to him for that purpose...
Thought you might also like to know that.
You could have informed me that Clayton was going to have the same problems as Dot, but NO, you're apparently too fucking selfish to do something as simple as that.
I hate you. I hate your ugly redneck wife. I hate that she is having your child and I'm not. I hate that she is part of your life. I hate seeing fucking bills in my mailbox with your stupid fucking name on them. I hate that I let you into my life and into my heart. I hate that I can't get you out of my mind. I hate that you picked someone inferior to me. I hate that I acted the way I did towards you. I hate you for making me act like that towards you. I hate knowing/thinking/believing that you love me. I hate knowing that you are fucked up. I hate knowing that you will never fix what you broke. I hate that I can never speak to you because you're too self-absorbed to care about what the hell goes on with me. I hate that I never know if I am ever going to speak to you again for the same reasons. I hate this stupid nagging feeling in my stupid chest. I hate seeing the same fucking streets and the same fucking shit everyday because it all reminds me of you. I hate Matishyahu, Eminem, Akon, and any other fucking song that you made a ringtone. I hate seeing old red trucks and black Hondas. I hate bikes. I hate the microwave, the bedspread, and anything else that once belonged to you. I hate replacing shit that was yours because it means I'm slowly phasing you out. I hate MySpace because you never respond. I hate my friends because they always ask if I spoke to you. I hate sex because I can't bring myself to have it with anyone else. I hate the words like "Amber and Umber" because they remind me of my failure. I hate discovering more things that you lied about. I hate thinking about your lies and wondering where I went wrong. I hate your smile. I hate meeting anyone with your name. I hate Marines. I hate everything because everything leads to some thought about you. But most of all, I hate myself for not being able to let you go. I hate myself for loving you and not being able to stop.
1 comment:
Oh honey, I so know that feeling. I hope that writing it all down gave you some relief as I know I wrote a similar post a few years ago. While I was writing it I was shaking with rage so much I actually had to walk away from the computer several times. But the moment I hit "publish" I suddenly felt serene. Not happy, but at least soothed.
And if that doesn't make you feel better, I'll show up at your house with a bucket of margaritas, some french chocolate, and a list of places where I can bury the body. ;-)
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