Numb

SO I'm numb, literally.
The cocaine feels like it has seeped through every inch of my body.
I wonder how people do this everyday all day, but then I realize that I do it, everyday, sober.
I walk through life, numb, not feeling anything in particular, just there.
I have no control over the things that happen to me or the things that don't happen to me.
I don't have control over my mind. It's there. It thinks or doesn't. The feelings just don't come normally anymore.
My emotions come like a junkies sobriety. They're fleeting, but painful, sending me into convulsions of fear and terror. The real world is too bright, too real, too unyielding and my heart can't take it. It's possible, right? To retreat into a numb, unfeeling state of existence? To feel everything and feel nothing at the same time?

I don't know why I started this blog...Just that I am mad about something else. It's so random. Maybe because in a room full of friends, I feel alone and empty. Maybe it's because I'm tired of advice, I'm tired of having the few feelings I share be downplayed. Maybe it's because though everyone around me in my day to day life thinks that I am this strong, resilient woman with no worries and an easy life...

I'm not.

I surround myself with men for which I have no use. The Uggs are nice...A thoughtful gift on his part, but he doesn't get me...He sees a puzzle, someone to figure out and tame. I see him for all his is worth. Nice only gets you so far in a world of wolves. And his lies kill me...I know he didn't get that coke for someone else. A person doesn't lose weight that quickly without some aid. I don't want to date a college drop-out with a promising career at a mall shoe store. I can't stand the thought of his snow white skin touching mine. I can't stand his voice.

I surround myself with "friends" that I really don't care for. Something isn't right with almost all of them. My married friends don't have time for the single girl. My unmarried friends only have time to party. Marcus is the only one that has ever cared about my success and even he has turned his back on me...Again and again.

The memories of the lies that crossed his beautiful lips sting in moments of fading emotion. I don't think about them for the most part. But sometimes I do...Sometimes I sit at a stop light and the tears slide down my face. My throat closes and my chest pounds. I'm losing it. I'm slipping again, backsliding. If he knew that I was drinking before class, he would tell me I was fucking up. He tone would drip with disappointment. If he knew I had done blow, even once...Well, I can't think of the harsh words that would come from his mouth.

I'm okay without him. I swear that I am. I miss him in bits. Someone will say something stupid like, "wausau" or "this shit right here?" and I'll miss him. And I'll think of his rough hands on my face.

I'm done...I have nothing else to say. The thoughts have stopped...I'm tired of being numb.