The world is getting married and you know what I say to that? Fuck you, world, fuck you.
As everyone else is getting married, engaged, or knocked up, I'm here...Arguing with a man that can't tell me why he doesn't want me. He can tell me that I am perfect...that I am a great cook, I am intelligent, I am beautiful, that I've never done anything wrong, but he cannot tell me why it is impossible for him to be faithful to me.
I don't need a shrink. I don't need pills or booze or another man. I need amnesia. I need to be able to forget that the man who means everything to me exists.
I'm tired. Unfortunately, not tired to the point that I am going to stop being his friend. He says he needs a friend. He claims that he has no other friends. And of course, I am going to be a sorry sad sack and be the person he needs me to be.
And you know what? I just don't have it in me to give a fuck anymore.
4 years. 4 long, miserable, wasted years of my life that I have given to this man and here I stand. Better than I was before, but still less than I should be.
I can think of no better comparison than this:
I'm Robert Johnson. He's the devil. I've sold this man my soul to be able to play great music. Now, I can play like a motherfucker. There is no one in this world that can play better than I. But he's taken my soul. You can't get your soul back and playing great music doesn't make up for a lost soul.
He sat there and told me that I will never be happy because no one will compare to him in my mind. He wasn't being conceited. He wasn't trying to control me. He was just speaking from what he sees. The sad part, he's right. No matter how many men I date, no matter how many times I meet someone, they'll never be half the person that he is in my eyes.
It's fucking sad.
I listened to Bunni's vlog earlier and she was talking about how dating in your thirties is different than dating in your twenties. Dating in your twenties is an adventure. It is fun. It's about meeting people and going out for drinks and dinner. To me, it's not like that anymore. At 26, I would love to meet someone that I would see more than once. I would like to meet someone that meant more to me than a nice dinner and tolerable conversation.
At the same time, I'm a liar.
I don't care about being single. It is not being single that bothers me. I'm okay with sitting around waiting on something that may never be.
Enough of my bitching.
7 comments:
At the risk of offending, this post sounds exactly like the script of nearly every woman at the battered women's shelter, sitting there bloody and bruised rationalizing about why they don't want to press charges and maybe even should go back.
Oh, I'm not offended! He's not abusive! I just can't get my shit together.
Sorry if all my blogs sound self-defeating, but I just write what I feel.
Well, you're certainly emotionally abused. How much responsibility you bear for that, well, how much responsibility does the physically abused woman bear when she keeps returning?
The bad news, is the cycle really does only break when you break it. He will never change, not even a little bit.
Sweetie, never apologize for how you feel. You feel how you feel. That's it. You can't control that. You CAN control how you act on those feelings, which is the bitch of things. There are days I go into work and honestly I hate EVERYONE especially my students. But they have no idea. I just pretend for as long as I have to and then I vlog.
And as for everyone getting married, honey, you have NO IDEA how much I understand. All my friends are married, some with kids. I have a cat. That's it. And I'm lonely and I spend most of my time wondering Where I Went Wrong.
And then I remember a friend of mine named Jill. I don't mean to hijack your comments, but OK I will. Jill was a friend in grad school-she was a full figured, tall, biracial chick from texas. She came on all confident, but truthfully Jill had terrible self esteem. She went through a series of relationships with seriously the most loserly NY has to offer. Her last guy was this spindly little guy who hit on me blatantly in front of her CONSTANTLY. He openly hit on other women, got into fights, stole or borrowed money, was emotionally abusive even though HE was unemployed, and finally became physically abusive. She did dump him at which point he ended up in Bellevue. He called her constantly telling her that he had slept with a heroine user so he could get AIDs because she left.
She dated this guy and many other like him for MONTHS, even when she made fun of them herself, even when she knew they were BAD NEWS. I would ask time and again "Why stay?" Her answer was "Because I've already put so much into it. If I walk away now, I'll have lost it all!"
The answer is not to lose even more time and energy. The answer is to take that energy and pour it somewhere else. Your blog. Your friends. Doing charity work. Teaching a dog to play backgammon. It's hard at first, and alot of the time you're just going through the motions. But it does get easier. it really does.
And if you're ever in NYC, I owe you a martini.
Oh and please about the best guy thing. Guys say this to me all the time and I have a stock line.
"I've had better. And you know it."
Know why? Because the awesomest guy for you wouldn't make you feel bad by using his awesomeness as a weapon.
The truth is, and he KNOWS this and is terrified you'll figure it out, he isn't worthy of you AT ALL. He's lucky you allow him to think your name. Seriously.
To clarify on the "noone compares to me" thing. He wasn't saying he was the best, he wasn't saying he's NOT the best. He's saying that in my eyes, no one will ever compare to him. Because I have put him on a shelf in a case and he's there. I compare everything anyone else does (or doesn't) do to everything he does (or doesn't) do. I thinkn I worded it wrong and made him come off like a huge prick when he's really just a regular-sized prick..haha
More later...Need a nap!
Thanks, Bunni. You can hijack my comments anytime you feel like it!
I totally understand Jill's logic, but I am not so underwater that I don't understand what you and 'mouse are saying either.
I am applying to NYU for Grad school, so if I make it, I'll take you up on that martini!
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