I am so incredibly exhausted. I've had about 5 hours sleep since yesterday at seven am. School isn't killing me, but this job might be. I'm praying that come May 2010, all this bullshit will pay off. I'm praying that the GRE isn't as evil as I imagine. I need this assistantship for my own sanity.
I haven't quite kept up the end of the bargain with myself. I haven't been blogging as I promised. On the bright side, two days of caloric compliance. I'm hungry, but I am learning what I can eat and what will demolish my goal. I can't quite give up the cigarettes. I love them too much.
Speaking of loving too much: I am considering the benefits of pushing Marcus entirely out of my life. In theory, it wouldn't be too difficult. Stop calling and change my number. Who cares that I live in his apartment? But in action, it's the hardest thing I have ever even comtemplated. I shouldn't lean on him. I shouldn't want him like this. I shouldn't need him, but I do. Christmas with him has been the only thing to get me through the season for the past three (four? it's hard to keep track with a man like him...) years.
Love is stupid. It is beyond stupid. It is illogical. I can't make sense of it. It is frustrating to be such a control freak when I actually control nothing.
Done for now.
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